Kartais pagalvoju
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in AntPROTIS on November 9th, 2009
Kartais pagalvoju…
- kad turėdamas dabartinę patirtį kai kuriuos dalykus daryčiau kitaip.
- kad net ir mylėdamas žmogus sugeba elgtis kaip kiaulė, žiūrėdamas tik savo poreikių.
- kad pastebime ką nors nutolus tik tada, kai būna per vėlu.
Kaip gaila, kad pagalvojam tik kartais 
Bet šitam žaidime seivų nėra, tenka gyvent toliau su tuo, ką turi. Nieko. Tik kartais pagalvoji, kad kartais galbūt reikėjo elgtis kitaip. Kartais. Tik kartais… pagalvoji.
Duobė. Manyje. Pilna… nieko.
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in AntPROTIS on October 19th, 2009
Negerai.
Kelintą vakarą jaučiuosi tuščias. Nepilnas. Lyg kažko trūktų. Gerai, po velnių, ne kažko. Žmogaus. Femme. Bet ne bet kokios.
Tokios, kuriai galėčiau atiduoti dalelę saves. Kuriai norėčiau tai padaryti. Kuri priimtų tai ir kuri duotų atgal. O ne bet kokia čia pasireiškia tuom, kad tos dalelės tiktų. Kad mūsų sielos, proto, asmenybės ar dar kaip ją pavadinsi “imuninė sistema” neatmestų tos dalelės kaip bauginančios, nesuprantamos, tiesiog svetimos.
Bet sunku rasti donorę, kuri man tiktų. Matyt aš turiu retą “kraujo” grupę…
Padaryk tai
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in Kūryba on October 14th, 2009
Nusišypsok. Įkąsk. Žvygtelėk. Pabėk. Sustok. Pažvelk. Priversk mane atbėgti, paimti Tave į glėbį ir mylėti. Būk nuostabi, nepakartojama ir žavi. Nusišypsok… Gera būti dviese neaprėpiamuose laukuose. Argi ne? 
PHP5 vs Ruby
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in I am half a robot, Ruby on October 7th, 2009
<?php
class Base {
static function create() {
return new self;
}
}
class Child extends Base {}
var_dump(Child::create());
?>
vs
class Base
def self.create
new
end
end
class Child < Base
end
puts Child.create
What do we get?
In PHP (PHP 5.2.9-2 (cli) (built: Apr 9 2009 08:23:19)): object(Base)#1 (0) {}
In Ruby (ruby 1.8.6 (2008-08-11 patchlevel 287) [i386-mswin32]): #<Child:0x2880610>
Hopes that PHP6 fixes this.
Not always right
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in Kvantuminis generatorius on October 5th, 2009
You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number
Call Center | Chatsworth, CA, USA
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)
Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”
Customer: “How much for my daughter?”
Me: “Um…”
Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”
Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”
Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”
Me: “Adult websites.”
Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”
——————————
Tech Support | Canada
(Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)
Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “I can’t access your network!”
Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”
Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”
Caller: “What can I do?”
Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”
Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”
Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”
(The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)
Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “F***!”
(Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)
Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “F***!”
(Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)
Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”
Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”
Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”
Me: “That’s right, sir.”
Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”
Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”
Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”
Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”
Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”
Me: “About 10 minutes.”
Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*
—————————–
Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”
Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”
Me: “Why do you ask?”
Customer: “Are you?”
Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”
Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”
Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”
Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”
Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”
Me: *surprised* “What for?”
Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”
(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)
Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”
——————————
(Note: I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by another male customer while I read a book.)
Male customer: “Hello, my name is ***.”
Me: “That’s nice.”
Male customer: “So can I have your number?”
Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”
Male customer: “You want to have sex with women?”
Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”
Male customer: “That’s bulls***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”
Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”
Male customer: “You’re lying to me, that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”
Male customer, to a waitress: “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”
Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”
Male customer: “Just do something about it!”
Waitress, to me: “Hello, there.”
Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”
Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”
Male customer: *looks horrified*
Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”
(I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)
Waitress, to male customer: “See? She’s a lesbian.”
Male customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”
Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”
Male customer: *storms out cursing*
(It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)
————————————–
Me: “Can I help you, sir?”
Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”
(I hand him the cigarettes.)
Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.
Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”
Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”
Me: “Ok. Do you want ’smoking harms those around you,’ or ’smoking causes testicular cancer?’”
Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”
—————————-
(A customer comes to the gas station register and hands me their credit card immediately.)
Customer: “I was looking at the liters display instead of the price.”
Me: “Yeah, I hate when that happens. Let’s see what your total is.”
Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the $20 I wanted to put in.”
Me: “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”
Customer: “That’s bulls***! I’m just going to drive off! Good luck getting your money!” *drives off without paying*
(I call the police who arrive ten minutes later, which is coincidentally when the customer returns–in his haste to drive off, he had forgotten to take back his credit card.)
Customer: “You stole my credit card, you a**hole!”
Me: “Just give me a second sir. I’m in the middle of reporting a drive-off to these police officers.”
Customer: “Haha! So I’m not the only one to do a drive-off from here?”
Police: “Today you are. Please come with us, sir.”
———————
Call Center | Beaverton, OR, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?”
Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?”
Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.”
Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!”
Me: “Um…uh…I mean…”
Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?”
———————-
Technical Support | Columbus, OH, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”
Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”
Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”
Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”
Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?”
Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.”
—————————-
(I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)
Me: “Welcome to [electronics store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”
Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46? TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”
Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”
Husband: “Mostly porn.”
Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”
Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”
Wife: “Why’s that?”
Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”
———————-
(I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.)
Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.”
Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?”
Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.’”
Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!”
—————————–
Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”
Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”
Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”
Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”
Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”
Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”
—————————
Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”
Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”
Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”
Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”
Me: “Yes.”
(Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)
Me: “Here you are, Bob!”
Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”
Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”
—————————
(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)
Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”
Little girl: “Robert!”
Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”
Little girl: “Dammitjulia!”
———————————
Funny Ruby
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in Ruby on October 1st, 2009
a = a
You would imagine it would raise NameError if a was not defined, right? Not! It would just set a to nil Evil…
Žmonės nesusipratėliai
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in AntPROTIS on September 29th, 2009
Vienas mano pažįstamas laukė du metus, kol viena mano draugė suprato, kad myli jį.
Kam laukti?
P.S.: išimtys taisyklėse yra taisyklingai išimtos.
Apgaulė po saule
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in Kūryba on September 29th, 2009
Pasaulis yra mano,
o aš esu pasaulio.
…
Tu paskendus saulėj,
o aš – paikoj apgaulėj.
Bet man patinka turkštis,
taškytis burbulais.
Aplinkui srūva upės
žavingais sukūriais.
Apgaulė neklastinga,
ji apskelbia save.
Apgaulė man patinka,
jin dvelkia šiluma.
Ji rožinės spalvos,
ir laipsnių nemažai.
Nors imk ir gerki ją,
kol sprogs tau viduriai.
Ech, aš susilaikau.
O kas, jei pasibaigs?
Ir kuo gi džiaugsiuos aš
tūžmingais vakarais…
Jei pasibaigs apgaulė,
tai tau juk nebeleis
nieks maudytis toj saulėj
rėksningaisiais rytais.
Nes jeigu tu be saulės,
o ir apgaulė be manęs,
tai kam gi mums pasaulio,
kuriam priklausom mes nebe.
…
Pasaulis yra Tavo,
o aš esu pasaulio.
Pasaulis yra mano,
o tu, dar jo, pasaulio ;*
Ne aš vienas taip galvoju
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in KTU IF-6/8 on September 28th, 2009
[17:33:54] Germanas IFF-6 says: nx ta lietuva, univerus, ktu ir destytojus tupus
[17:34:12] Germanas IFF-6 says: t.y. 95% destytoju
[17:34:47] Germanas IFF-6 says: fuck it 99.(9)%
[17:35:11] sliuzas334 says: ?
[17:35:26] Germanas IFF-6 says:
[17:35:32] Germanas IFF-6 says: ko nesupratai?
[17:35:35] sliuzas334 says: kas per inirsis?
[17:35:40] sliuzas334 says: priezasties
[17:35:57] Germanas IFF-6 says: nu ble istoju pas kazokius maurus
[17:36:02] Germanas IFF-6 says: ir keturis metus matai
[17:36:11] Germanas IFF-6 says: su kiekvienais vis labiau kaip viskas ant durniaus
[17:36:11] Aurimas Kisielius says: Išeik
[17:36:25] Germanas IFF-6 says: perdaug prarasiu jei iseisiu
[17:36:33] Aurimas Kisielius says: Būtent
[17:36:36] sliuzas334 says: nafik
[17:36:44] sliuzas334 says: dabar iseit tai butu tas pats kas sau ant galvos apsisikt
[17:36:49] Germanas IFF-6 says: dar metus prasipisiu ir gal kur normaliai pateksiu
[17:37:06] Aurimas Kisielius says: KTU Informatikos magistrantura?
[17:37:10] Germanas IFF-6 says: lol
[17:37:10] Germanas IFF-6 says:
[17:37:31] Germanas IFF-6 says: vopsim viskas ant durniaus
[17:37:32] Aurimas Kisielius says:iki
[17:37:39] Germanas IFF-6 says: ir kuo tuo labiau pamtai su metais
[17:37:53] Germanas IFF-6 says: ir kai galvoji nu cia destytoja padare sita vieta ant durniaus
[17:37:59] Germanas IFF-6 says: nu ten tas ant durniaus padare
[17:38:06] Germanas IFF-6 says: maximoje ant durniaus farsa apdare
[17:38:10] Germanas IFF-6 says: is inkstu ir plauciu
[17:38:20] Germanas IFF-6 says: ir tai bliat visa lietuva ant durniaus
[17:38:23] Germanas IFF-6 says: taip*
[17:50:44] Germanas IFF-6 says: kaip ir musu matiekos praktikos
[17:50:48] Germanas IFF-6 says: ant durniaus
[17:51:03] Germanas IFF-6 says: jis ten vaidina kad spendzia iki kol neiseina
[17:51:20] Germanas IFF-6 says: poto arba mathcadas duoda ats arba sako nu toliau nebespresiu
[17:51:30] Germanas IFF-6 says: mes po tokio ugdymo ne ka geresni tampam
[17:51:42] Germanas IFF-6 says: ai nu cia ble neisejo, ai nu ir px
Posted by Artūras Šlajus in Auksinės mintys on September 20th, 2009
Makrėjus liguistai nusišypsojo, nužvelgė visus iš eilės ir tarė:
- Skubėkit! Skubėkit! Negaiškit, ponios, ponai ir kiti – visų rasių, tautų ir tikėjimų! Trys puikiai pasirengusios komandos netrukus pradės lenktynes užrištomis akimis, jų metu mėgins nužudyti viena kitą, besivydamos padarus, kurie būtinai suvalgys nugalėtojus! Taip, visų rasių ponai! Nepraleiskit… Kvintarų mataratono!
“Užsičiaupk, Džimi!” subarė Grysta.
- iš “Demonai vaivorykštės juostoje” by Jack L. Chalker. Eridano PFAF 141.
