Lituanicon 2010: nuo Trojos iki Žvaigždžių karų – apie karus, tikrus ir išgalvotus, praeityje, dabartyje ir ateityje.

Kasmetinis Lietuvos fantastikos mėgėjų konventas “Lituanicon” šiemet vyks Kaune, Gegužės 7-8 d., Ryšių istorijos muziejuje (rotušės a. 19) Jo metu dalyvių laukia paskaitos, žaidimai, filmai bei įvairiausios pramogos ir atrakcijos.

http://lituaniconxxi.lt/

Čia antiutopinio apsakymo „Licenzijuotas Dostojevskis arba popierinių knygų eros pabaiga“ vertimas. Autorius Stas Kozlovskij (Стас Козловский), 2003 m. Malonaus skaitymo.

Paprastas butas Maskvoje, 2018 metai.

—Tėti, ar galiu aš iš tavo kortelės paimti 99 dolerius? Už knygą reikia sumokėti…

—O kokia knyga?

—Na, šitas, Dostojevskis. „Nusikaltimas ir bausmė“.

—O kam pirkti. Pas mus juk yra.

—Tikrai? Koks failo pavadinimas?

—Prie ko čia failas. Ji štai čia, lentynoje stovi…

—Fui. Čia gi popierinė knygą!

—Na ir kas? Aš savo laikais, būdamas tavo amžiaus, ją perskaičiau.

—Tavo laikais, tavo laikais… Ten paieškos nėra. Kaip aš tavo manymu citatų ieškosiu? Garsinio palaikymo joje taip pat nėra. Animuotų paveikslėlių irgi. Tik tekstas, kuriame netgi šrifto ir to pasikeisti neįmanoma… Tėti, tu ką, iš manęs mokykloje visi juoksis! Pats tokią skaityk.

—Na gerai. Štai, imk DVD. Prieš penkiolika metų pirkau.

—Ką tokį? DVD? O kaip, tavo manymu, aš tą antikvariatą perskaitysiu? Į politechnimos muziejų atiduok. Tu dar perfokortose Dostojevskį pasiūlyk!

—Jei jau toks protingas, pasiieškok internete ir atsisiųsk dykai.

—Atsisiųsti, knygą, nemokamai!?

—Na, taip. O kaip dar kitaip? Dostojevskio knygoms senai nebegalioja autorinės teisės… Garantuotai kur nors guli.

—Tu ką, tėti! Čia tavo laikais, amžiaus pradžioje viską dykai siųstis buvo galima. Ar tu nežinai, kad jau penkti metai, kai autorinės teisės visoms knygoms, visam laikui perduotos Amerikos knygų leidėjų asociacijai. O gal tu nori, kad mane, kaip sektos narį Dmitrijų Sliarovą į belangę iki gyvos galvos uždarytu?

—Bet juk Dostojevskis ne amerikietis! Prie ko čia Amerikos leidėjai.

—O kam tai rūpi? Tėti, tu kartais ne antiglobalistas?

—Ne, ką tu! Sūnau, gaila beveik 100-ą dolerių išleisti failui. Gal geriau klasiokų paprašyk šito failo. Pas juos tai tikrai bus. O tu jiems, kada nors, savo failą duosi.

—Žinoma! Jei jie man savo Dostojevskį duos, tai kur aš jį skaitysiu?

—Kaip tai kur? Jie savo kopiją pas save, namie, tu savo čia.

—Na tu visai atsilikęs nuo gyvenimo. Knygą galima skaityti tik iš to kompiuterio, iš kurio jis nupirktas. Ir poliarizacijos kodas bus kitas… Tėti, tiesiog duok pinigų! Aš sau nusipirksiu normalią knygą.

—Na gerai. Imk vienkartinį slaptažodį, 99-iems žaliems iš mūsų sąskaitos. Mūsų laikais 100 dolerių buvo dideli pinigai…

—OK. Parsisiunčiau. Thanks.

—Žinai ką, duokš ir man pažiūrėti… Klausyk, sūnau, kokie čia paveiksliukai? Romane, lygtais to nebuvo…

—Žmogau, čia gi baneriai. Be banerių knyga kainuoja 699 žalius.

Atidarytame faile mirgėjo skelbimai: „Axe Proffessional, 2018 — šiuolaikiniai kirviai pagaląsti lazeriu“; „Kosmetinis salonas „Gertrūda“ — mes neleisim jums pavirsti senute“; Kankina problemos? Psichologinės pagalbos tarnyba „Porphyry“; „Greiti kreditai. Beveik už dyką“; „RASKOLNIKOFF.COM — linksmų senučių iškvietimas į bet kurį pasaulio kampelį“…

—Klausyk sūnau, o kur pats romano tekstas? Gal reikia palaukti kol baneriai išnyks?

—Na tu lyg iš medžio iškritęs! Šimtą metų lauksi. Tekstą skaityti reikia per poliarizacinius akinius. Be jų tik reklama matosi.

—O tai kam to reikia?

—Kaip kam? Kad niekas kitas, išskyrus apmokėjusį, negalėtų perskaityti knygos! Įsivaizduok, jei aš nusipirkau knygą, o kažkas, kuris nieko nepirko, už mano nugaros taip pat galėtu skaityti…

—Kažkokia nesąmonė. O jei aš taip pat akinius užsidėsiu?

—Cha, neišdegs! Failas priderintas tik mano akiniams. Kitiems akiniams kitas poliarizacijos kodas.

—Gerai, supratau, duok man savo akinius. Aš su jais pažiūrėsiu.

—Kaip pažiūrėsi? Jie tavęs pagal rainelę neatpažins. Tu su jai nieko nematysi, tik užrašą, kad užsidėjai ne savo akinius! Tiek to, tėti, netrukdyk skaityti! Turiu perskaityti iki kol licenzijos galiojimas nesibaigė, antraip arba failo nuomą teks pratęsti, arba knyga susinaikins. Netrukdyk, aš skaitau…

Po trijų valandų…

—Fuuu, viskas. Perskaičiau!

—Kaip tai perskaitei? „Nusikaltimas ir bausmė“ per tris valandas!?

—Na, taip. Aš ir greičiau būčiau perskaitęs, jei ne reklaminės pauzės kas pusvalandį.

—Vis vien netikiu! Pavyzdžiui, kas toksai Svidrigailovas?

—Kas kas?

—Aha, aišku. Kas toks Lužinas? Kas tokia Sonia Marmeladova?

—Na tu duodi! Iš kur man žinoti! Aš juk Home Edition skaičiau. Pas mane tik apie tai kaip Raskolnikovas senutę kirviu užmušė, o po to pasidavė. Apie visus kitus tai tik Professional versijoje, arba net Enterprise Edition pirkti reiktu. Pas mus tiek pinigų nėra.

—Mm, taip, pasaulis baigia išprotėti!

—Jau išprotėjo. Anksčiau turėjot ko nors imtis, prieš kokius penkiolika metų…

2010 m. kovo 5 d. 2:45 parašė kiras

Source:

http://planet.akl.lt

http://linuksoidas.lt

)

Tobula!

http://www.kongregate.com/games/nutcasenightmare/the-game

MS strategija veža. Nu tikrai būčiau nusipirkęs aš tuos Win7 (pirmuosius legalius savo WIN gyvenime). Bet tai ne. Pasirodo, kad (pasak http://www.win741.com/), ši programa tinka tik JAV, UK, Canada, France, Germany, Australia, Mexico ir Korea.

’cause other countries are fuckin’ rich enough, right Microsoft?

You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number
Call Center | Chatsworth, CA, USA
(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

——————————

Tech Support | Canada
(Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

Caller: “What can I do?”

Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”

(The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”

Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”

Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”

Me: “That’s right, sir.”

Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”

Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”

Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

Me: “About 10 minutes.”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

—————————–

Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”

Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Are you?”

Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”

Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”

Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”

Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”

Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”

Me: *surprised* “What for?”

Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”

(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)

Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”

——————————

(Note: I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by another male customer while I read a book.)

Male customer: “Hello, my name is ***.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Male customer: “So can I have your number?”

Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

Male customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

Male customer: “That’s bulls***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

Male customer: “You’re lying to me, that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

Male customer, to a waitress: “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

Male customer: “Just do something about it!”

Waitress, to me: “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

Male customer: *looks horrified*

Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

(I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

Waitress, to male customer: “See? She’s a lesbian.”

Male customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

Male customer: *storms out cursing*

(It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

————————————–

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”

(I hand him the cigarettes.)

Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.

Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”

Me: “Ok. Do you want ’smoking harms those around you,’ or ’smoking causes testicular cancer?’”

Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”

—————————-

(A customer comes to the gas station register and hands me their credit card immediately.)

Customer: “I was looking at the liters display instead of the price.”

Me: “Yeah, I hate when that happens. Let’s see what your total is.”

Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the $20 I wanted to put in.”

Me: “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I’m just going to drive off! Good luck getting your money!” *drives off without paying*

(I call the police who arrive ten minutes later, which is coincidentally when the customer returns–in his haste to drive off, he had forgotten to take back his credit card.)

Customer: “You stole my credit card, you a**hole!”

Me: “Just give me a second sir. I’m in the middle of reporting a drive-off to these police officers.”

Customer: “Haha! So I’m not the only one to do a drive-off from here?”

Police: “Today you are. Please come with us, sir.”

———————

Call Center | Beaverton, OR, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?”

Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?”

Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.”

Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!”

Me: “Um…uh…I mean…”

Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?”

———————-

Technical Support | Columbus, OH, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: “Hey Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”

Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”

Customer: “OH MY GOD, IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”

Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”

Customer: “Oh… so you’re one of them human peoples?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am a human peoples.”

—————————-

(I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)

Me: “Welcome to [electronics store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46? TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”

Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”

Husband: “Mostly porn.”

Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”

Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”

Wife: “Why’s that?”

Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”

———————-

(I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.)

Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.”

Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?”

Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.’”

Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!”

—————————–

Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”

Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”

—————————

Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

—————————

(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

Little girl: “Robert!”

Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

Little girl: “Dammitjulia!”

———————————

“kadangi kaip matau tamsta ne iš šviesiųjų protų, tai jei dar nesupratai – myliu tave”

- via Taip (dar žinoma kaip Miglė arba “woman of WTF”)

YouTube: love actually

Bandom socialite wordpress plugin’ą

Rodos Lietuva nėra tokia jau didelė šalis, bet užsidirbti iš durnių galima ir čia. Vat pamačiau reklamą Facebook’e: atsakyk į 5 klausimus ir laimėk iPhone! Taip nebūna pasakysit? Na galvoju gal renka kokius statistinius duomenis, tai jiems taip pigiau atsieina. Nuėjau. Mažą ką.

Iš karto krenta į akis klausimai: “kada pagamintas iPhone? a) 2008 b) 1945 c) 1900″. I mean wtf? )

Na o smagiausia gale. Reikia įvesti mob. nr., kad užsiregistruoti laimėjimui. Ir patvirtinti taisykles… O aš jau nujaučiu kiek durnių nežiūrės į jas…

Ir kažin kiek užsiraus?

Būkite atsargūs ir skaitykite taisykles!

Gandrai atsirado po to, kai buvo išrastos padangos, nes prieš tai jie neturėjo kur sukti lizdų.

– Roo